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| hello i'm back... and this time no holds barred | | |
| Lint brush anyone
In my years of life on this great planet I have realized that there are two types of people in this world: the ins and the outties... As I see it the ins are the majority and the outties are a minority with no voice. I myself am an in.... now i'm not talking about popularity; I am talking about belly buttons... althgough a majority, I see that being an in presents one great disadvantage, that being the ability to accumulate a substance known to man as simply "belly button lint" . I started to wonder, what exactly is this belly button lint. Well for those of you who have been dying to ifnd out here it goes. Bellly button lint is not your typical lint like say pocket lint. Whereas pocket lint is composed of loose fragments of thread, belly button lint is far more than that. It is the result of sweat and oil accumulation in the belly button combined with those stray fragments of thread/fabric. depending on the person, the amount of lint can vary ie the bigger the belly button the greater amount of belly button lint one would have. so I started thinking wouldn't it be great if I could come up with a way to collect belly button lint and refine it to become material with which clothes are made. I figure the hemp industry is now on a downward trend. people don't want to wear alternate materials like hemp because of fear and the social stigma of wearing clothes that could be labeled as "smoke and wear". But who could resist belly button lint clothing... i am thinkinng we could call it "Pick and wear"...It could make all of us Ins very profitable... I figure that it might also spinoff some type of research to find the medical benefits of belly button lint...
Then i started to think do people with outties get belly button rings? how weird would that look... i imagine it would look like a door knockerof sorts... or maybe it would look like a weird key rack... i dunno , somebody with an outtie hit me back... i really am curious... wonder if an outtie prevents some people from wearing certain types of clothes... i dunno... i think i shall open this forum up to you all... that is if I still have any readers after such a long delay in posting | | |
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every new years people make resolutions… they approach the change in years with a renewed hope of making their lives somewhat better… they resolve to lose that weight that they have gained… they resolve to quit smoking … they resolve to make financial strides… and as the days wither away in the early weeks of January, their resolutions, on the most part, are left behind… the fatty eats once more… the smoker picks up a carton of Marlboro’s and begins working on that black lung… and people end up spending frivolously on alcohol, cheap strippers and gambling…and in the end they turn more and more to the very vices that they had resolved to quit in light of the fact that they have proved once again that they are nothing more in this life than failures… I decided that I will stand by my resolutions this year… and as you are about to bear witness to these resolutions, I thought that my xanga friends could make sure to hold me to them
Resolutions
- I will no longer shave cats and pull out their whiskers…
- I will never again kick an old lady and then beat her with her prosthetic leg
- I refuse to kick pigeons as they walk around…
- I will decline any inclination that I have to steal candy from a child
- I shall resist every urge to fling poo at passerby’s
- I will be sure to never again wear a pair of underwear for a full week straight
- I will try my damndest to not soak rabbit food in tequila and then feed them to raccoons and squirrels in order to get them drunk and pass out.
- I resolve to not run up to random old people and give them hugs in hopes of making them wet their pants.
- I will never again go to the grocery store and put needles through the packages of condoms that they sell there.
Seeing as these resolutions may stretch me, I ask for your support in my efforts. Happy new year | | |
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Euphemisms
(just when you thought I had stopped being disgusting) For some reason, people everywhere are afraid to be honest about a very base bodily action. For the majority of people, they consider it rude and quite crass to actually state one’s intentions of defecating aka taking a shit(which makes me wonder how the phrase "taking a shit" came about seeing as one actually gives aforementioned shit away to the porcelain god. This begs the question of who really was the first to actually take the shit?… different story, sorry about the tangent) It truly amazes me how many different ways people announce their intention to shit in code (some of it good code, the rest sketchy at best)… Here are a few of my favorites:
- "I need to make a deposit"
- "I have to drop off the kids at the pool"
- "Time to pinch a loaf"
- "Sometimes time flies, other times it runs"
- "I gotta do some paperwork"
- "Time to ride the porcelain pony"
- "I have to run some errands and drop off some packages"
- in the past tense "I was robbed by the turd burglar" ( a close kin of the McDonalds’ Hamburglar)
- "I have a turtle popping his head out"
- "I just know something is about to go down"
- " plop, plop, fizz, fizz oh what a relief it is"
- time to do some Kegel exercises
- "Hey I didn’t eat corn!!!"
- "I gotta give birth"
- " Time to lay some cable"
- "I gotta go where even the king goes alone"
- "Time to make some brownies"
those are just a few … yes I know I left off "taking a dump" … that’s just because I don’t like that one… what are some of the ones that you guys use? | | |
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Lord of the Rings
one ring to bind them all... one ring to rule them all.... one ring to destroy... one ring to make three movies for and make everybody compulsive enough to go watch all three in the movie theater
one ring to make people buy the DVDs separately and then think about buying the entire set when it comes out
one ring to make it seem that midgets can be productive members of society
one ring that people assume has a mind of its own and a desire to get back to its former owner...
one ring that people do not realize how stupid it sounds to say that an object "wants" to get back..
one ring that people say "wants" to get back but because they have pointy ears or hairy feet it sounds scary or eerie instead of stupid and delusional...
one ring my ass
one ring on which is written a fake language in which every other phrase goes "eno no nai" ie Legolas eno no nai or something like that
one ring in which everyone around has mysterious powers and stuff but if they caught someone driving a car or flying a plane they would be scared shitless and exclaim "what type of witchcraft be this?!!!!"
one ring that controls but if they have the ability to make a ring so powerful why can't they make a few guns or bombs!!!!!
one ring to make every one have a Pavlovian response to pay $10 to sit and watch the movie in a theater that smells like stale popcorn, musty body odor, unwashed feet, and rancid body fluids.. One ring to make all the movie watchers leave aforementioned theater feeling happy that they endured the stench "because it was worth it"
one ring to unite nerds of all shapes and sizes, creeds and color to play dress up and commune with geeks.
one ring to pierce my nipple with
one ring to that said nerds/geeks complain that the movie is not true to the tale…. One ring to which ten sober hours of my life have been given to no personal gain.... have I hooked up with Liv tyler yet, NO.... Am i able to shoot an arrow into someone's eye? NO!!!... do I now possess magical powers? NO!!! are my feet hairy ??? wouldn't you like to know... | | |
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